A PERFECT STORM

Parental Alienation: THE LONGEST GOODBYE

By B. L Allen

B. Allen | Jan 2025

BY DEFINITION, A PERFECT STORM

Is a catastrophic event that occurs when an unusual combination of circumstances comes together and results in an enormous calamity? Years have now gone by with little to no access and or contact with my two children. I am there mother and the rejected parent. Everyone and everything that is connected to me has been outwardly disdained, avoided and or rejected by the other parent or father in my case. In a high conflict divorce and child custody battle this is called a perfect storm. Where a child is then forced to take sides or as I remember it growing up having to choose one parent over the other in order to avoid and or eliminate situations of conflict that always seemed to be prevalent when I was around.

Any mother who had her rights revoked is assumed to either be mentally ill, addicted to drugs or alcoholic, or a criminal. When a parent loses custody, it is like a death without the support system. There is no closure. There are no goodbyes. There are only open wounds that repeatedly rip open with each perceived transgression, with child custody arguments, and with visitation disagreements and many frivolous suits filed and court hearings. And with this type of tragedy, many women, stripped of their parenting responsibilities, never really recover. They never figure out how to move on. We are forever vigilant for our children. We are forever ready to swoop in and recover what was wrongly taken from us.

Loss of custody is as traumatic an event as death. It irrevocably destroys nurturing bonds between parent and child. It creates an air of mistrust. It is a wound that continues to fester and never has closure. Unfortunately, there is no support system from family and friends for the parent who loses custody. Family court frequently treats the noncustodial parent as a problem parent. Others assume any mother who lost custody must have done something downright awful to deserve such a ruling.

PERCEPTIONS ARE KEY

I am considered the other parent, the non-custodial, the unsafe unsuitable parent who for nearly a decade was the stay at home mother and primary care giver of my two children. A lot played into the conception of pure intent and of the extrapolation of what has been perceived and ruled upon in my case to date. My ex-husband managed to convince the courts that the mother was not safe for the children to ever be left alone with, mentally ill, mentally incompetent to make good decisions and lastly responsible for the monetarily devalue and or depletion of our marital estate. Revealing in the end my ex-husbands greed for money and anger were far greater than any love he ever had for both of his two children and the only thing that mattered was his profitable gain in life and or rather depleting me of mine.

Grief is a kind of suspended reality. It is disorienting, dark, and uncertain. It feels like falling head-first down a rabbit hole. Nothing is as it should be. It makes one feel totally out of control. It changes on a moment-to-moment basis. And much of the time it feels like treading water. Some days, the sorrow is so suffocating, it is like drowning. The hardest part about grief is how the future is irrevocably altered. Plans we thought we could count on change. And, knowing we will never have plans with that loved one makes old plans and memories that much dearer and precious. Soon the old memories prove to be all that is left of people and places of a period we cling to and can never let go of.

My daughters are now nine and eleven. They speak to me no more or less than the courts order allows or rather the father has requested of the courts to allow for in the best interests of our children. Of which is not to exceed a max of 15 min once per week both girl are allowed to have with their Mother in a very overly supervised and highly inappropriately coached facetime phone call monitored by the Father usually or as necessary by another ‘competent adult’ that the father of course approves of.. This harshly ruled upon decision to ultimately terminate one parent’s rights without the required testimony and substantial evidence to prove such circumstances warranted this kind of strict ruling. While the law generally draws a line in what actions are allowable or good, and which are not allowable, or potentially bad, questions of morality are not so easily answered. Because society’s ideas on morality, questions of right and wrong may become blurry. However, an egregious act is something that is so glaringly wrong, that there can be no question that it is reprehensible.

Figure 1 Screen shot of FT call edited

Fighting this battle has only proven to result in further restrictions of my already restricted and supervised visits impacting my relationship with my children by creating a fear and lack of trust they now have of their mother from the disparaging and negative remarks made to them by the father about me over the many years. My children have been forced to live just as I did as a young child a life that ultimately leads to a child being forced to choose one parent over the other because one is made out to be dangerous, not safe for them to be around, or worse made to believe doesn’t love them anymore. Through coaching and manipulation, a child’s innocence is quickly replaced with whatever the alienating parent wants them to think and can easily be done just as it was to me by my own mother and is now being done to my own children by the very same woman.

Some symptoms of Parental Alienation by the Alienating Parent include.

1. Interference with the target parent visits.

2. Giving children unhealthy choices when there is no choice about the visit.

3. Not allowing any target parent visits.

4. Depriving the target parent from information regarding educational, medical and social activities of the child and excluding or not informing the target parent of all the school, medical, social activities of the child. Most recently my ex-husband could restrict further my access and time with my children in terminating completely my rights to attend my child’s school events, school lunches, attend doctors’ appointments and extra extracurricular activities outside of school such as soccer practices and games.

5. Blaming the target parent of breaking up the family, financial problems, or not loving the child enough to stay, the alienating parent tries to turn the child and his/her anger against the target parent.

6. Interference with or not supporting contact between the child and the target parent. Listening into telephone conversation or reading all emails, texting, or correspondence between the child and target parent.

7. Making major unilateral decisions regarding the child without consulting the target parent.

8. Refusing to let the child take his/her possessions to the target parent’s residence.

9. Telling the child, in a time of juvenile crisis, that the target parent has been abusive, and the target parent may hurt the child.

By defying the target parent’s authority and supervision, the alienating parent is asking the child to impossibly choose one parent over the other. This causes considerable stress and potential long-term emotion scarring for the child and much unnecessary pain, difficulty, and anxiety when trying to love both parents. The alienating parent will try to program the child to dislike, hate, or fear the target parent. By causing the child to disown or distance themselves away from the target parent, the alienating parent may, in the end, cause a very distrustful and emotionally scarred child. The goal may be achieved, but not with the desired results of the alienating parent. Many times, the child, without hope, will turn on both parents and never be able to have trusting, loving relationships in his/her life.

I am not allowed to ask my children about their day at school or help them with their homework, and no longer am I allowed to even attend school functions. Less than a year ago however I was the mom signing up to help with school parities and events. Now I will be arrested if I show up on school grounds. I have never understood how I pose a threat especially now being 25 weeks pregnant. My oldest daughter has now been admonished as have I for allowing her to take with her after one of our few remaining overly supervised visitations for a few skittles In her little hand which were apparently quickly taken and thrown out before entering her father’s car after our visit together. No gifts can be given unless approved by the other parent. No pictures can be taken. I am not allowed to discuss anything related to the unborn child I am carrying, their future step sibling – even though they see I am growing larger each visit. Cannot show them a sonogram pic unless approved by the other parent, cannot-discuss baby names, cannot talk about the father of the baby whom they know and love well. I am not allowed to bring in and or show my daughters pictures of any kind, whether childhood pics of them or me — or recent current ones of them, no pictures are allowed. I am not allowed to discuss Ella my cat whom they once lived with briefly before my ex-husband filed for divorce. And lastly I am not allowed to discuss anything related to my current and or any future visits that may be planned or anything related to the current visitation schedule put in place by the courts yet never followed by the other parent.

So I ask then… WHAT sane and loving adult parent would be able to consistently put their child through this hell and for their own selfish needs just to visit with them for two hours per wk. NOT I, their mother but rather the father who doesn’t care about them at all let alone serving in their best interest!

“Let me not die while I am still alive.”

There is no perfect parent standard and those who claim to be are the one who wind up creating the perfect storm in these cases. Where false allegations are most often made by the one pretending to be ‘the perfect parent’ with the only intentions of gaining more custody time which is usually by the alienating and abusive parent. A parent who without reasonable justification stops a child from seeing the other parent often does so due to his or her own immaturity or nefarious intent. A type of abuse often caused by the gatekeeping results from the restrictive parent’s obsession with control or simply unresolved anger against the other parent.

Life will never be as it once was, becoming what it has and never anything more — like a catch 22 aka a paradoxical situation from which an individual cannot escape because of contradictory rules or limitations. Catch-22s often result from rules, regulations, or procedures that an individual is subject to, but has no control over, because to fight the rule is to accept it. And the creators of the “catch-22” situation have created arbitrary rules to justify and conceal their own abuse of power.

Never give up hope. Never say goodbye. Right now, you feel like your relationship with your child has been stolen from you and the future is out of your control. However, your child will eventually have the opportunity to think for himself or herself. In the meantime, you must continue to be a person of integrity and do what you can to keep the lines of communication open, firmly believing that when your child begins to question all that he or she has been taught to think, she might just surprise you like one of mine did after thinking I had lost her for good, she gave me hope again.

Handwritten note from child

To my daughters – Never stop seeing the world in color just the way I taught you to. Remember life is not perfect, you can and will get lost and when you do know that I will always be there to catch you when you fall. Do not listen to anybody. Stand up for what you know to be your truth in life and never believe in anything less and always be willing to fight for all that and more as both of you deserve. Never be ashamed of who you are or where you came from, never doubt what you know to be the truth for in the end it will prove to be the only thing you’ve got left in life that can set you free.